Oh, Those Were The Days

Since this has been such a tame election with no one making false accusation about one another I though that I would post, according to Mother Jones (liberal rag as my dad calls it), the Top Ten Most Awsome Mudslinging Moves Ever.

10. 1832 National Republicans say incumbent Andrew Jackson took for himself "a power no Monarch in Europe dared attempt," "the most absolute despot now at the head of any representative government on earth" who exercised "indiscriminate removal of public officers, for the mere difference of political opinion." As 172 years later, it is not enough to lose the president the election.

9. In the 1828 race, John Quincy Adams supporters call Andrew Jackson a slave-trading, gambling, brawling murderer. (Though these slurs are pretty serious, they occupy a low place on the list because they were—being about a man who was shot several times in duels and bar fights—true.)

8. Whigs senselessly call 1848 presidential hopeful Lewis Cass a "pot-bellied, mutton-headed cucumber" in response to Democrats' accusations that opposing candidate Zachary Taylor is, among other things, a crappy dresser.

7. Whigs "prove" that James K. Polk was a slave trader in 1844—by quoting extensively a completely fake excerpt from a book.

6. 1844 Democrats backing James K. Polk claim that Henry Clay had sex with whores and, furthermore, broke all 10 of the commandments; in lieu of evidence, they declare simply that the details are "too disgusting to appear in public print."

5. 1828, again: Jackson supporters accuse Adams of having premarital sex with his wife and being a pimp, claiming he arranged an American hooker for Czar Alexander I.

4. 1800 Federalists claim Republican candidate Thomas Jefferson is dead.

3. Whigs portray incumbent (and son of a farmer) Martin Van Buren as an effete snob with a penchant for really nice perfume and strutting in front of $2,400 mirrors like a peacock. He is, in fact, the lowest-spending president yet, as far as White House purchases are concerned; his opponent, rich kid William Henry Harrison, wins the 1840 race on a (false) platform of loving log cabins and hard cider.

2. Karl Rove-engineered robo-calls help Bush win the 2000 Republican nomination by asking primary voters if they would be "more likely or less likely to vote for John McCain if you knew that he fathered an illegitimate black child?" Negative points for not outright declaring, but just implying, the charge. Bonus points for slinging it inside own party. McCain speculates that "there is a special place in hell for people like those." You know what happened after that.

1. And the 1828 race, again, takes it: Adams supporters attack Jackson's family, calling his dead mother "a common prostitute, brought to this country by the British soldiers," after whose service she "married a MULATTO MAN, with whom she had several children of which number General JACKSON IS ONE!!!" Jackson's wife, who was previously married and (accidentally) not completely divorced prior to her second marriage, they call a "convicted adulteress." When she dies within days of Jackson's victory, he blames Adams' vicious campaign practices, exclaiming at her funeral, "May God Almighty forgive her murderers as I know she forgave them. I never can."

Electing the 44th President, I mean the 43rd

Bush has nicknames for everyone, for his dad it's 41, as in the 41st president and 42 for Clinton. That would make us electing the 44th president next Tuesday right? Not quite.

The number assigned to each president is in conjunction with the new president to take office not terms, if it were terms we would be at 55. Grover Cleveland was president from 1885-89 and again from 1893-97 making him the 22nd and 24th president with Benjamin Harrison in between but this is just a matter of non-consecutive terms. By those standards George Washington was out 1st and 2nd and Thomas Jefferson was our 4th and 5th. Since we're putting asterisks on everything else lets add one here as well.

So good luck next week as we elect our 43rd president.

Not The Way My Fantasy Would Play Out

I love to watch football, I love to watch the pregame shows the post game shows and the shows through out the week talking about the up coming games, injuries and what player screwed up that week and got arrested. With all of this you would think that I could manage a .500 fantasy team but that is not the case (my team is Mr Tuesday Pants). I am the St. Louis Rams of fantasy football, I am a sad sight most weeks but occasionally hand out an upset. This sulking takes an even sadder turn to find out that I even manage a "sucky" league (Oh, The Huge Manatee) where points are given for errors such as interceptions, fumbles and what not. In this league I can't even manage a .500 season. I have only been playing fantasy football for three seasons now and I have never had a winning season and to make things worse this is August Filet's first year to ever play and he is winning the whole thing, which wouldn't hurt so bad except that he hates football.

I wonder what kind of severance package I could get for retiring early?

The 10 Commandments Guidelines of Concert Behavior

Finally this whole charade is coming to an end. I wish that I could say that this was as enjoyable as I thought it would be but it really wasn't. Fortunately it did give me something to post on regularly and now I have to find something else to fill that gap and I refuse to post on the election.

So without any further adieu, here's number 10

X. Thou Shalt Not Act A Fool

Seems too simple and too cynical, I know, but it makes perfect sense, and it's all we really need to guarantee that concerts remain enjoyable for everyone involved.

So you ask, "How do you know if I'm actin' a fool?" Well, if you have to ask, you probably are pretty close. If you want a reliable indicator, I stand by the Nana Test. Whenever I'm out in public and have the urge to do something rash, which is more often than I'm comfortable admitting, I stop a moment and think about what my Nana (that's the same as Grandma for those of you who didn't grow up in New Jersey) would do if she witnessed me doing whatever I'm thinking about doing. Just imagine what would your granny say if she saw you violently puking at a show. Or making out with the guy with the driving gloves and the Free Mustache Rides T-Shirt. Or honking a fatty in a smoke-free venue. Harsh right?

So that is the end. I hope that you have enjoyed these rules and will take them to heart the next time that you are at a concert or at least be able to call someone out and let them know which rules they are breaking.


Previous Guidelines:
I. Thou Shalt Not Puke
II. Thou Shalt Not Fart
III. Thou Shalt Not Smoke
IV. Thou Shalt Not Take Crappy Pictures With Your Cell Phone
V. Thou Shall Show Up On Time
VI. Thou Shalt Not Request Songs
VII. Thou Shall Respect The Personal Space of Others
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Sing Along Unless Explicitly Directed by the Performer(s)
IX. Thou Shalt Not Talk

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Well today was my last triathlon of the season and my last race in the 25-29 age group. Next year I get bumped up to the 30-34 age group which has stiff competition. Perfect example is that I placed third in my age group today which would have put me at ninth in the 30-34 year olds but the good news I that I would have only needed to take a minute and a half off my time to have placed in that age group, so there is still hope.

Normally getting third place would be very exciting but the time between first place and third place was only thirty seconds, which with that small amount of time you start to pick apart your race and find out where you could have improved. Here is what I have some up with; there are two things that I did wrong leading up to this race.

1. The Toyota US Open was two weeks ago; it takes about a week to recover from a race of that length and then you have a week where you have to decide whether you are suppose to be training or tappering. I decided to split the difference and somehow ended up with a knee injury which takes us to lesson #2
2. The knee pain showed up on Tuesday after a 5.5 mile run which left me with four days of no running just icing twice a day. I believe the injury occured because I under pronate which caused me alot of pain in my Medial Collateral Tendon. I used a run on Saturday to determine whether I would be able to race at all today. This run was a big mistake, over all the run felt good but I ran in my Vibram Five Fingers which are great "shoes" but they are not like riding a bike, your body does forget how to use them. When I woke up this morning by calfs were noticably sore which cause problems all day.

So what did I learn from these experiences? Don't put races this close together unless you are going from a sprint triathlon to a longer race is does not work in reverse. This probably would have solved both problems. Unfortunately these two items kept me off the first place pedestal that I have no doubt would have been mine.

"Stayin' Alive" Saved My Life

You hear all the time about how a certain band or song heard at the right time saved a person's life or got their life back on track but apparently the Bee Gee's track "Stayin' Alive" can actually save your life. The song has 103 beats per minute which is only 3 beats more then the recommended beats per minute to perform CPR correctly.

I guess all those times growing up, getting a hair cut from my dad listening to this song will pay off.

The best part of this article is the last quote.

A Dog's Day Out

I had an experience this morning that I hope to not soon repeat. I was taking the dog for her morning walk on the same route that I take her on every time. There is one particular dog that is often on it's walk during the same time that I knew was a ticking time bomb. Everytime we pass each other the owner moves the dog (which is always wearing a muzzle) to the other side of the street, makes the dog sit facing away from us and straddles the dog and doesn't let it look anywhere except away from us. Now I always leave my dog off leash because she is very obedient and stays close even if there is another dog, cat or squirrel near by. So now that I have set this up let the story begin. Ollie is about 20 feet ahead of me and this dog with it's owner comes around the corner. The owner was obviously not looking ahead because they did not move to the other side of the road. The psycho dog (pit bull I might add) bolted for Ollie and broke out of her muzzle and the chase was on. Ollie took off in the direction that we just came from and I was on their heels. Ollie pulls a quick u-turn and is now heading for the house. At this point I have had to kick off my Birkenstocks because it is impossible to run in them and now I'm hoofing it down the road in socks. Luckily she cut across the yard on the corner and the pit bull took a jog around the cars in the driveway which gave me a chance to cut the corner and head off the dog. So now I'm in front of this psycho dog thinking "What the hell am I suppose to do now", so I assume the position of a soccer goalie waiting for a penalty kick and thankfully this dog wasn't as psycho as I thought and stops about three feet in front of me long enough for the owners to get there and get some control over the dog. All I say is "What the hell?" and "I have to get my shoes", that was all I could muster at the moment. So I get my shoes call Ollie back, who is standing at the final turn of our walk, she comes over, I give her some loves and we finish the lovely stroll home.

So now my dilema is what do I do now? There is not another good way to take the dog on a quick 20 minute walk just due to where our house is in conjunction with a major road. So do I leave her off leash so that if this happens again she can get away or do I put on a leash near that house so I can have her close then risk the chance of having Ollie get the leash wrapped around me so that I can't do anything? Advice?

The Cowardly Lion?

Ian O'Connor from Fox Sports claims that Jerry Jones' cowardice is to blame for the off field antics of Pacman Jones. Anyone that believes that has never read a Dallas news paper. Jerry Jones is so blinded by greed and a Super Bowl ring that he would trade his own mother to the Rams to get it. His lack of disciplinary action against Pacman has everything to do with winning being his number one priority, not a fear of Pacman or Goodell. Phillips has also caught alot of heat lately for his soft handed coaching on and off the field. Hear me now and believe me later, Phillips does not run that team, Jones does. If Phillips is soft handed it is because Jones has told him to be or Phillips is scared of the retribution that would barrel down on him if he made any of Jones' troubled kids cry.

The Cowboys have become the answer to soap operas for adult males. First, he brings in Terrell Owens, a known locker room dvivider and sideline cryer, next its Tank Williams and Pacman Jones, both felons. Then yesterday Jones trades a first, third and sixth round draft pick for Roy Williams and a seventh round pick from the Lions. There are two problems with this, one: you gave up a first round draft pick? Are you stupid? If you are going to give up a first round then you better be sure that he is going to perform right out of the starting gate. Two, how is T.O. going to handle this? He's like a five year old, he hates to share. You can't bring another male lion (no pum intended) into the pride and not expect there to be division amongst the ranks.

This should be fun to watch.

Drought May Be Ending

It has been a rough summer for CD releases. Not only have there been none to speak of but the ones that were high anticipation releases ended up being nothing to write home about. There was Radiohead's release, which was groundbreaking for every reason except for the quality of the songs. Then there was 10 Years and The Kooks who fell so far down the sophomore slump cavern that they may never see the light of day again. There have been albums that should never have been released, namely Scarlett Johansson's - Anywhere I Lay My Head, The Naked Brothers - I Don't want to go to School, and anything having to do with High School Musical. There have also been some suprise successes such as Candlebox's - Into The Sun, which is their first release in ten years. But over the past few weeks there have been a few releases that might save this year yet. If you haven't listened to these yet then they deserve a fair shot.

Keane - Perfect Symmetry
Ray La Montangue - Gossip In The Grain
Brett Dennen - Hope For The Hopeless
Jack's Mannequin - The Glass Passenger
Dresdon Dolls - No, Virginia

British Safety videos from the 70's

Here are some fear based public safety videos from Britain in the 1970's. All I can say is "Splink"? Aren't acronyms suppose to be made up of words you can remember, not words like "If" for "I". That leaves you thinking "If, umm...if what?"

End Women's Suffrage

In honor of the up coming election here is a video that demonstrates the ignorance of our young people today.

Cowboy Up!

Since the Cowboys near loss to the 0-5 Bangles on Sunday they have been extra sensitive to pressure and criticism from the media. If you bring the circus to town you are going to get some attention; you have an owner that doesn't know how to stay in his owner’s box and comes to the field to coach or console TO for only getting involved in half of the offensive plays during that weeks game. You've brought on two troubled players in Tank Johnson who has been arrested on weapons charges multiple time over the past few years and Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones who has quite the list of legal troubles including; assault, felony vandalism, drug possession, and for the involvement of a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club causing one patron to be paralyzed from the waist down and just yesterday the police were called out to a Dallas hotel where Pacman got into an altercation with one of the body guard Jerry Jones hired to keep him in line. If these are the clowns that you’re bringing in don’t complain when people are peeking in the windows waiting for you to implode. In addition, you have one of the greatest rosters in the NFL right now and you haven’t won a playoff game or had a winning month of October in 12 years. Here’s my suggestion, a one strike out policy for Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones (if the NFL does do this form you), limit the medias access to the locker rooms and training camps. TO can’t complain to anyone if no one is there to ask him any questions and start thinking about monetary penalties aside from what the NFL hands down. This team doesn’t need to lose games in order to self destruct; they’ll do that to themselves from the inside.

Liquid Assets

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Bros. one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, and drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg

A recent study shows that the average American walks 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, American's get 41 miles to the gallon!

The Oh So Many Uses of Craig's List

It seems that Craig's List can be used for far more than just selling your old dishwasher. One guy used it to hire accomplices for the robbery of an armored car.

It appears to have unfolded this way, according to a Seattle-based NBC affiliate: around 11:00 a.m. PDT on Tuesday, the robber, wearing a yellow vest, safety goggles, a blue shirt, and a respirator mask went over to a guard who was overseeing the unloading of cash to the bank from the truck. He sprayed the guard with pepper spray, grabbed his bag of money, and fled the scene.

The robber had previously put out a Craigslist ad for road maintenance workers, promising wages of $28.50 per hour. Recruits were asked to wait near the Bank of America right around the time of the robbery--wearing yellow vests, safety goggles, a respirator mask, and preferably a blue shirt. At least a dozen of them showed up after responding to the Craigslist ad.

"I came across the ad that was for a prevailing wage job for $28.50 an hour," one of the unwitting decoys, named Mike, said to the NBC station. As it turns out, they were simply placed there to confuse cops who were looking for a guy wearing a virtually identical outfit.

Authorities eventually found the getaway inner tube (a getaway inner tube!) and suspect that accomplices may have picked up the robber in a boat. According to the NBC affiliate, police hope to track him down by figuring out who posted the Craigslist ad in the first place.

The 10 Commandments Guidelines of Concert Behavior

IX. Thou Shalt Not Talk

In his rare moments of lucidity, my father likes to tell a story about a Springsteen show in 1974 during which Bruce brought out a violinist and refused to start Jungleland until the auditorium was completely silent. Can you even imagine that today? See, I'm not even talking about imposing total silence. Order a cocktail, hoot and/or holler and mention to your neighbor that the lead singer has really ballooned up since getting off the horse; it's all good. What I'm talking about are people so engrossed in their conversations that the show becomes background noise, or even worse, a nuisance to be overcome by speaking even louder. For your convenience, I've broken this genus into three common species:

Sons of Herodotus - For these guys (and they're always guys) the show only exists to provide context for their encyclopedic knowledge of the band. I saw Wilco at First Avenue on their inaugural tour and found myself standing near a particularly enthusiastic chap who, for the duration of Wilco's set, chronicled the history of Uncle Tupelo. He even sang his favorite UT songs while Tweedy and the boys tried bravely (albeit unsuccessfully) to sell numbers like Passenger Side to Pavement's disinterested fans.

Scenewiches - These people (50/50 gender split) are here for one or more of the following reasons:

• the band or artist's reputation as a live act
  
• the local weekly has been pimping the band or artist
  
• their first single was prominently featured on The Hills

Subsequently, they show up to hear the new single (of course, they're already "sick of" the first single), to be seen and to reinforce their With It Quotient by dragging a group of friends along. I had a row of Scenewiches behind me at a recent Springsteen show who reacted like Girls In Their Summer Clothes was musical manna, then talked about Missy's ugly divorce throughout New York City Serenade once they decided it was some of Bruce's "older stuff."

Peaches (females) and Herbs (males) - For these folks, the show is a convenient venue to catch up with friends. The show only exists to fill brief gaps while the gang plans bachelorette parties and catches up on gossip. When Donald Fagen stopped in the Twin Cities, I had the pleasure of sitting in front of eight Herbs who spent most of the evening discussing the upcoming softball season and debating whether a certain guy could be trusted to man the hot corner.

Previous Guidelines:
I. Thou Shalt Not Puke
II. Thou Shalt Not Fart
III. Thou Shalt Not Smoke
IV. Thou Shalt Not Take Crappy Pictures With Your Cell Phone
V. Thou Shall Show Up On Time
VI. Thou Shalt Not Request Songs
VII. Thou Shall Respect The Personal Space of Others
IX. Thou Shalt Not Sing Along Unless Explicitly Directed by the Performer(s)

Literal Music Video

The guy that does the singing sounds a lot like Morten Harket (yes, I had to look that name up)

100 Skills Every Man Should Know

Popular Mechanics has devised a list of 100 things that every man should know how to do. You can also take a quiz on some of the skills (I scored an 1100). At the bottom there is a list of 20 tools that every man should have in their garage. I need to go to Home Depot.

Training For Mass Swim Starts

Last month August Filet did a run down of how our last race went and had a perfect description of how a mass swim start is. For those of you that still can't picture the insanity of it all here is a Clif Bar commercial that depicts it.

Acid Rock

In a report released this week by the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute, it appears that carbon levels effect more then just us land lubbers. Due to absorption of CO2 from the air the acid levels of our oceans is rising, which causes sound to travel further underwater. This spells band news for whales and dolphins who rely on sound for hunting and communication. The prediction from the MBARI is that sound will travel 70% further by the year 2050. Whales would be heavily impacted as their behavior can be disrupted from a mlitary sonar 300 miles away.

Think of it as our world suddenly getting way, way brighter, blindingly bright with no sunglasses anywhere.

Quick chemistry lesson:
pH (short for power of hydrogen) is a base (the opposite of an acid), as acid levels increase the pH goes down. It is a delicate balance as anyone that owns a pool will tell you.